We are raised to mind our manners, to live healthfully, to work hard, to observe the law, to be kind. These are the tenets of a solid, civil, healthy and productive society. Sure, nobody’s perfect. Thankfully, there is enough wiggle room in the world so that one honest mistake now and then doesn’t send our planet into free-falling chaos.
When a woman becomes pregnant, she realizes that the game has changed, and there exists a new set of rules by which to live. Caring both for herself and the little one growing inside of her is an awesome responsibility, and it often dictates many adjustments in how she eats, moves, works, sleeps, travels, and spends her free time. There is barely an aspect of her life that is not influenced by her pregnancy. Of course, each mom-to-be is unique, and so are her personal set of guidelines, formed by a combination of sources such as her care provider, generational wisdom, her own research and her instincts. Just about every pregnant woman gladly follows these rules because she wants the very best for her baby.
So when is it okay the break the rules? This will vary from woman to woman, because not all recommendations apply to all mothers-to-be. I recently read an article by Karen Kleiman, MSW, LCSW who heads The Postpartum Stress Center in New Jersey and Pennsylvania. It was entitled “Why You Must Talk Back to Your Doctor!” Her wonderful piece focused upon the need for care providers to understand the nuances of postpartum concerns, but I would like to expand upon her directive. Therefore, I hereby strongly encourage women to fearlessly ASK QUESTIONS AND GET ANSWERS when it comes to pregnancy, birth and beyond.
Now, some of you, Dear Readers, will say incredulously, “but Jen, I always ask questions of any care provider I visit! How is that breaking a rule”? And to you I say, “Congratulations! Keep asking!”. But it never ceases to amaze me just how many women I meet who feel that they cannot take issue what their care provider says. It is often generational; there was a time when everyone just took a practitioner at their word. This is learned behavior that requires a shift.

It is also common for a patient to experience a sense of vulnerability when she is lying on an exam table while the care provider stands over her. Body language experts will tell you that in this scenario, women are not physically in the “power position”.
But you are. You are in the power position because you are a mother- to-be, and no one has more strength than you. You may have to dig deep down to locate it – that’s perfectly okay. In addition, you also possess the power of the pen (or pencil, or tablet or smart phone), because you can arm yourself with a list of queries to bring with you to your appointments. Its so easy to forget your questions once you begin your prenatal visit because there is just so much ground to cover.
Some other things to keep in mind: don’t allow yourself to be dismissed. Or patronized, Or pushed off to a later visit (this one is my favorite: “oh, we don’t talk about x/y/z until 36 weeks”.) Do not accept a partial or confusing answer. Because garnering information is critical in order for you to feel empowered. Being well-informed also helps to keep anxiety at bay. Equally as important is having conversations around your pregnancy and birth preferences with your care provider to confirm that you are on the same page philosophically.
Please understand that I am no way suggesting that women be rebellious for rebellion’s sake. If everything is going smoothly at your visits; if your care provider is engaging and encouraging and always willing to provide evidence-based information; if you feel like your participation in the process is welcome, then you have found the right match. If not, then its time to explore other options – and its never too late, contrary to popular belief.
Enjoy this amazing journey, and take along with you those that support you, guide you and really, truly HEAR you. The value in this will certainly become apparent when you become, well, a parent.